I was thinking about attachment again a couple of nights ago. I don’t know about other countries, but in the UK when it’s getting close to easter (well, ish), stops start selling easter eggs – large eggs made out of chocolate. I bought my first one the other day because I really like them, and for some reason easter egg chocolate tastes even better than chocolate bar chocolate. This egg I bought was a little smaller than most, so I was in two minds whether or not to eat one half of the shell or the whole thing. I decided to take a Buddhist approach, and thought about my attachment to the chocolate. Talking through it with a friend online, I realised that if I was to eat it, it would show I was not attached to it becasue I would not miss it when it was gone. However, if I did eat it, I would be giving into temptation, thus holding on to my attachment to its yumminess. I declared myself to be in a no-win situation. Or…a win-win situation. It seemed that either action would be showing an attachment to the egg, and it was of no real consequence whether I ate it all then or saved some for the next day. It seemed that the Buddhist view on this small matter would be that it didn’t matter what I did.

So I ate it all up that night. It was very yummy.

I’m still struggling to understand karma, though the lovely people at the e-sangha forums are very helpful. I came across a situation the other day which I thought might be an example of karma. A few weeks ago, I posted an entry talking about trying to manage my anger towards a friend who said something harsh to me after I found out my uni work had gotten a bad grade. Well, the other day he received a piece of work back and his also wasn’t very good, and the tutor had said some similar things to him that she had said to me. I wondered if this was karma, but I’m not sure. Yes, it is a bit of a coincidence, and I am having trouble containing my schadenfreude, but I don’t think that he received a bad grade because he was mean to me when I got a bad grade – I think he got a bad grade because his work wasn’t good enough. I don’t see why the two should be related, why there should be a correlation between him being mean to me and him getting a bad grade. But then, isn’t everything intertwined, interdependent and reliant on everythhing else? I’m still exploring, but I’m dubious. Thinking of karma as actions and the direct results of those actions makes more sense to me – guilt being the karma of stealing, for example. Maybe I’ll come across another experience that’ll make me think again, we’ll see. It is interesting, though.

In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama talks about how we can deal with anger. I feel as if I’m always in here talking about books I have read and not real experience, but this particular section of this book is something I feel I can really apply to my life, and I have in fact, without really realising it. It seems that the more I read, the more I absorb, consciously or subconsciously, and I find myself applying ideas to my behaviour.

Anyway, this particular chapter stuck with me and made a lot of sense. It teaches us to think about why we are angry and if our anger is justified. It asks us to question whether or not we should really be angry at a person – did they intentionally try to make us angry? For example, I was at work yesterday, just about to close my till and go home, and was serving my last customer. My shift finishes at half six and as the clock on my till said six thirty and I was yet to close up my till, I was beginning to get impatient with my customer, who was slowly searching through her purse for her store card. As I felt myself get frustrated with her, I stopped and realised that of course she wasn’t keeping me waiting on purpose. She probably didn’t realise that it was time for me to go home and so, why should I get angry at her? I could have allowed myself to get annoyed about not getting out of work exactly on time and had a bit of a rant about it when I got home, but it wasn’t like I had anywhere else to be. So I let it go, and until I came to think of an example to demonstrate in this blog, I had completely forgotten about it.

Another example comes from last week, and that time, my feelings were a little more difficult to control. I had done a piece of work for my university course and it hadn’t turned out as well as I had hoped. One of my friends, however, did quite well and was very pleased with his grade. One day, out of the blue, he made a flippant comment about the standard of his work and the standard of mine, which made me pretty angry. I was angry because I felt that he had said something quite harsh. However he did apologise, though I am not sure he really knew what he was apologising for. I don’t actually think he really meant to say something mean, and probably didn’t think before he spoke. I tried to forget about it and I’m not bothered by it now, but things like that are more difficult to brush off. I had to remember to think about his motives, and while he certainly didn’t seem motivated to saying something kind or helpful, I don’t think he was motivated to intentionally be mean either – he was just making an observation and wasn’t very tactful about it.

Of course, sometimes people do things which are intentionally mean, and perhaps we should be angry about them. But what does this anger achieve? How does being angry at the person solve the situation? It just makes us feel bad and is an obstacle in the way of our happiness. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be doormats, and should certainly point out when someone is being unfair or hurtful because they might not realise it. But it is always best to let feelings of anger go and to not get attached to them because ultimately, these feelings do not help anyone.

What irks me ever so slightly, is when people use the words atheist and religious as antonyms. Now, I like to think of Buddhism as a religion. But it is an atheist religion. Because all atheist means is that people don’t believe in any gods. I know it shouldn’t matter whether people think Buddhism is a religion, a way of life or a philosophy, and that I shouldn’t have to put a label on it. But thinking of it as a religion makes me feel safe. Maybe it is a religion. I can think of one reason why: rebirth. Surely the idea of reincarnation makes it a religion. Well. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. It just gets a bit annoying when you’re trying to talk about religion and people butt in to tell you that Buddhism isn’t a religion. It’s quite pedantic, I suppose. It is what it is.

I finished reading The Dharma of Star Wars, so now I need something else to read. I’ve read Buddhism For Beginners by Thubten Chodron, and also have Buddhism For Dummies, which I’ve read parts of. However, neither of those have been as helpful as The Dharma of Star Wars. I also have The Art of Happiness, which I read most of, but haven’t picked it up for ages so I’ll probably just start it over.

The question which was playing on my mind last night was to do with reincarnation, or rebirth. Since Buddhists don’t believe in a soul, exactly what is it that is reborn? It kind of ties in with the theory of no self. I can sort of understand the concept of emptiness, that we cannot exist without all of the things that make us, us – our parents, the environment, our habitats, the people around us, and that everything is impermanent – who we are today is not who we were yesterday or last year – the argument that if our bodies are ever so slightly different to yesterday because skin has fallen off, we have cut our nails or our hair fell out a bit when we brushed it this morning, then what exactly is it that is the same as yesterday, what part of us has carried on, and will still be here tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day? Even our emotions have changed since last night, maybe we feel a little differently about our relationship with someone today, and some things are more important today than they were before. The answer, then, to the question of what was here yesterday and is here today and will continue tomorrow and the next day, is nothing. I can understand that. However, I cannot let go of the fact that I am myself, in this body, with this mind, and although things about me have changed, I am the same person. If I bought a car brand new and then five years later it was involved in a crash and was written off, it would be very badly damaged and unusable, it will have changed dramatically, but it would still be the same car. Wouldn’t it?

This is why I cannot get my head around reincarnation – if we are reborn, what is it that is reborn, and how does it happen? I suppose every moment we are reborn. Maybe we are reborn into a new body and a new life, a new person or a new creature in the same way that we are reborn into every second – an hour ago, my hair was wet and curly from being in the shower, and now it is dry and straight. A few moments ago I took a sip of my drink, so there is something in my body which wasn’t there the moment before I had a drink. But I am still the same person who wrote the first entry in this blog over a week ago. But I’m different. So rebirth – does it work in the same way? Does it happen straight away or is there something in between? Are we just the same, but different? How much do we change? And does rebirth mean the same thing as reincarnation? All these questions to be answered – I’ll get back to you as soon as I learn more.

My friend wants to borrow my book, which I haven’t read for a few days, but will give to him as soon as I have. It doesn’t really matter if he doesn’t agree with what’s written there, I’d just love to have someone to discuss it with. I’m looking forward to hearing what he thinks.

It’s still difficult to remember to be mindful during the day, while I’m out and about, socialising and working. It’s hard to stop and think, and apply what I’ve been learning to what’s going on. If someone is being annoying, it’s easier to snap at them than to pause and think, and react appropriately. It’s something I forget to do. Perhaps it will come more easily with practice.

I’ve been thinking about suffering and emotions, and I’ve started to realise that yes, our emotions cause us to suffer, but the answer isn’t to tell ourselves to stop feeling a certain way. I think it’s too much to ask – I’ve spent twenty years feeling angry and happy and excited and upset, and everybody is the same. What we should be doing is acknowledging these emotions; not putting labels on them like “this is a bad emotion” or “I am a bad person for feeling like this”, but to realise how we feel and that it’s okay to feel that way, then to realise that these emotions are impermanent, and to not attach ourselves to them. In the past, I have felt angry, and somehow enjoyed being angry a little, and knew that I should be angry about whatever it was, and so I held on to this anger – I was attaching myself to it, and that was causing my suffering.

And, a final  thought. This blog really helps me to think about Buddhism, and to understand it a little more, relating it to my life. Perhaps blogging is a little like meditation. My other blog, which I use as a diary really, might also be a bit like meditation – I get my thoughts out,  I observe them, I have written them down and then I can let them go.

When I started reading the book I have been referring to in my previous posts, I had barely anything to do each day. Now, a week later, I have started back at university, my third year, and I am slightly apprehensive about fitting Buddhism in to my every day life. That last week of summer, I was reading that book and every single day i was thinking about Buddhism and trying to apply its teachings to my every day life. I was trying to be mindful, remembering that everything is impermanent, and this all came naturally to me. Now, suddenly thrown back into university and all the work that comes with the final year of a degree, I find myself losing sight of the fact that everything is impermanent, and worrying over the things that are going to be unpleasent for me in the upcoming academic year, such as group work and presentations. I found it difficult to talk myself around to the way of thinking that I had previously been practicing, and when I thought of it at the end of the day, after being at university from 9am to 5.30pm, I felt that I didn’t have the energy to apply that kind of thought to my day, that I would rather push my worries away and forget about them than deal with them and realise their impermanence. I don’t want every uni day to be like that. I want to be able to apply these beliefs to everything I do, and I think it might be a bit more difficult than I had anticipated.

I need someone to talk to about Buddhism. There is a forum I sometimes go to, and the people there are helpful, but I tend to ask questions there and then have them answered – what I want is someone to have a proper conversation with. Maybe other young Buddhists who are just getting started. Or maybe I should find some kind of centre nearby, if there is one, to go to. But I mean, just someone to regularly talk to about stuff would be nice, on MSN or something, whether they’re someone new to things like me or someone who can teach me stuff and help me understand some things. Anyone out there?

I thought karma was something like what goes around comes around, something that evens everything out, makes the world fair, an eye for an eye, etc. Like, if you punch someone one day and the next day your wallet gets stolen, that would be karma. But apparently it’s none of those things.

According to this book I’m reading, The Dharma of Star Wars, as I mentioned in my first post, karma isn’t really like that. It actually makes a lot more sense, it isn’t some mystical force which keeps the world in order. Karma would be stealing a computer game from a shop, for example, and feeling guilty about it afterwards. The action you did which you perceived to be negative, brings about other negative feelings. Stealing brings guilt, negative actions bring negative feelings. And maybe you feel guilty every time you play the game. That’s more karma still. Plus good actions are good karma in the same way – you do a good deed for someone, you feel glad you could help them, you feel good about yourself. A positive chain of events. It’s just…what happens in the world, it’s every day life. It’s not some mystical force, it just makes sense.

And now that I know that, it’s going to annoy me every time someone makes an incorrect reference to karma.

^_^

Have you ever read a book, and while reading it, thought, “this book is going to change my life”?
I’m reading The Dharma of Star Wars. It’s all about how Buddhism can be applied to Star Wars, the similarities between Buddhism and Jedi, and it’s really interesting. It has explained some theories to me in a better way than other Buddhism books have, and I understand it all so much more now. It talks about the theory of emptiness, how if you take away every external entity which makes you you, like physical things such as water, oxygen, your parents even having sex in the first place, then things that shaped your personality such as people around you, your life experiences, places you’ve been – if you take all that away, there is nothing left. It is impossible for anyone to exist without other things existing – nobody exists independently. Without other things, we are empty. Also, about suffering, and how it’s the way in which we perceive things to be bad which makes us suffer. For example, constantly chasing after things we want, like clothes, convinced that if we own these things we will be beautiful and that these clothes are the key to our happiness. Or, looking for a new job, which is fine, but telling ourselves that we will not be happy unless we find a new job, and when we do find a new job, everything will be fine. And about how everything is impermanent.

It is so interesting, and…I love it. It makes me think. When I was in Catholic school, we were never taught to question anything. Buddhism tells us to question everything, not just take it as it is because that’s what Buddha said. Also, it strikes me as strange when people do or don’t do things because that’s what their religion tells them to do or not do. Surely we should be not doing things because we know that they are wrong, and that we find it morally wrong and therefore do not want to do them, rather than simply not doing it because our religion tells us not to, and we are blindly following it.

Some things in Buddhism are hard to get my head around but it’s great in that way, having to think about things and question them. Like reincarnation, I’m not sure about that yet, but if I was to believe in it, it would make the world and life seem so much less scary. I already know that everything is impermanent, now if I could just believe that there is definitely something after this life, and that too is impermanent, and there is something after that too, then there would be nothing to fear. Maybe if I think more, and read more, and learn more, I will feel more strongly about that concept.

it’s amazing how much this book has helped me, in comparison to other books I have read. I have only read about three books, but this one helps me understand things more by applying them to situations in the Star Wars movies. Until now, I hadn’t really actively tried to put these ideas into practice, but now I do. I indentify when I’m not being mindful and attempt to do so, though it is a difficult thing to remember to do after not doing it for twenty years. I think about my negative feelings about things, and how they are negative because I interpret them in that way, and my attachments. And so, I decided to make a blog so that I can jot down some things about this journey I feel I am beginning. Wow, how cheesy did that sound? Very overdone and cliché, however appropriate.

Enjoy.