I seem to have a full-blown case of DerrenBrown-itis. While I was at work, daydreaming, I realised that what Derren does can be linked to Buddhism.

Buddhism teaches that everything is essentially all in our heads. Nothing is naturally good or bad, but this is how we perceive things to be, and everyone perceives them differently. Sometimes we think things are great one day and not so good the next – the things are the same, but our state of mind is different. The thing itself, be it an object, an event or a person, might seem to be the same (although rebirth states that everything is changing all the time, these changes are not always obvious), but we might feel completely different about them from day to day. This is because our state of mind is changing.

In the show explaining the lottery prediction, Derren said that his technique might not work with people who actually wanted to win the lottery. How true that is and how much of his explanation was true, I have no idea. Maybe his explanation is true. People have believed crazier things. He also said that the fact that people were driven by fear (in the tricks with the cup with the knife in it and the box with the mouse in it), this fear made them fall into predictable patterns.

When people go to see a psychic’s show, their state of mind affects what happens as well. Maybe the psychic says “does anyone here know a John?” and someone in the audience stands up and says they do, and the psychic builds on John’s story through guesses (I’m talking about a fake psychic here), they might get something a bit wrong, but that person in the audience will want the psychic to be right, and in their mind they will make the information fit with John’s story. If they had a different state of mind, they would think that the psychic is being very vague and actually doesn’t really know anything about John at all.

I think that our state of mind also affected how we felt about Derren’s lottery prediction. I’ve watched several of his shows this past week and I’ve seen him predict what people are going to say, sometimes when they’re not even stood in front of him, sometimes over the phone, and it is the most bizarre and interesting thing to watch. When he’s in front of an audience and a person from the audience thinks of a question to ask him, and he guesses the question and the answer just by the person’s handwriting, what they say, what they look like and how they say it (I guess), nobody says “hey, we want a definite, exact explanation of how you knew all of this stuff that you couldn’t possibly know. ” They just accept it. But when he predicts the lottery numbers, everyone wants to know how he did it. Why? Because they have something to gain. People want to know how he did it so that they can do it themselves, or some similar recreation of it. They didn’t care about how he knew stuff in his shows, they just enjoyed it. Because their state of mind has changed – from simply feeling entertained, to desire and maybe greed.

The main thing that made me think about Derren Brown’s  (acts, tricks, talents?) in relation to Buddhism is an episode of Trick or Treat where he showed a woman four coloured cards – red, blue, green and yellow. He showed her the blue on and said that it might not definitely be blue, there could be a bit of green in there, people might have different opinions. He then asked her what colour the card was, after a bit of convincing, and she said it was green. Continuing in the same way, he convinced her that yellow was really red, and then she seemed to come to the conclusion herself that the red card was black. They then went outside to look at her red car, and she was absolutely certain that someone had painted it black, and, pointing to a big yellow car, she said that her car (before alledgedly being painted) was the same colour as “that red car over there”. Bizarre. I suppose this isn’t just to do with the point I made earlier about people’s state of mind, but more about how different people perceive things differently – a kind of sea colour might indeed look green to one person and blue to another, or maybe even to the same person on a different day. Nothing is definite, there are so many things that depend on people’s emotions, experiences, and in turn their state of mind. It makes me wonder:

Is everything relative?

*** Yoga means “unity”, the linking of the mind and the body. It seems to be very aptly titled as after a session I always feel a lot more mindful of what I am doing. I don’t know if it’s the yoga or the meditation that follows, but it always has the same effect. This was written two days ago after one of those sessions.***

It was today that I realised that life isn’t about what’s going to happen or what we are going to do. It’s about right now, me locking my hands together behind my back, stacking my knees on top of each other and folding forward. It’s about me writing this now, gently, still feeling the peace that comes after a yoga and meditation session. You reading this now. It’s so easy, especially now, so close to graduation, to get bogged down with difficult decision making – what will I do next, who will i work for, will it be enjoyable? What about right now, focusing on the rhythm of the pen as it scratches the paper, how soft the bed I’m lying on is and how refreshing the cool parts feel against the soles of my feet. That’s how our feet should feel. They’re always walking somewhere, taking us to something, what’s next, what’s next, what’s next? How about right now? How many things do you do during the day that you don’ concentrate on, you just do them automatically, or out of habit? Maybe climbing out of bed,washing your face, putting clothes on, locking the door, talking to a friend. How consciously do you notice every part of these interactions? Next time i find myself feeling worried about the future, I’ll stop and ask myself, what about now? The future is uncertain, because everything is constantly cvhanging. The only thing that is certain is what has already happened, and since we can’t change that, we might as well focus on what we do have control of – this very moment.

I was thinking about attachment again a couple of nights ago. I don’t know about other countries, but in the UK when it’s getting close to easter (well, ish), stops start selling easter eggs – large eggs made out of chocolate. I bought my first one the other day because I really like them, and for some reason easter egg chocolate tastes even better than chocolate bar chocolate. This egg I bought was a little smaller than most, so I was in two minds whether or not to eat one half of the shell or the whole thing. I decided to take a Buddhist approach, and thought about my attachment to the chocolate. Talking through it with a friend online, I realised that if I was to eat it, it would show I was not attached to it becasue I would not miss it when it was gone. However, if I did eat it, I would be giving into temptation, thus holding on to my attachment to its yumminess. I declared myself to be in a no-win situation. Or…a win-win situation. It seemed that either action would be showing an attachment to the egg, and it was of no real consequence whether I ate it all then or saved some for the next day. It seemed that the Buddhist view on this small matter would be that it didn’t matter what I did.

So I ate it all up that night. It was very yummy.

I’m still struggling to understand karma, though the lovely people at the e-sangha forums are very helpful. I came across a situation the other day which I thought might be an example of karma. A few weeks ago, I posted an entry talking about trying to manage my anger towards a friend who said something harsh to me after I found out my uni work had gotten a bad grade. Well, the other day he received a piece of work back and his also wasn’t very good, and the tutor had said some similar things to him that she had said to me. I wondered if this was karma, but I’m not sure. Yes, it is a bit of a coincidence, and I am having trouble containing my schadenfreude, but I don’t think that he received a bad grade because he was mean to me when I got a bad grade – I think he got a bad grade because his work wasn’t good enough. I don’t see why the two should be related, why there should be a correlation between him being mean to me and him getting a bad grade. But then, isn’t everything intertwined, interdependent and reliant on everythhing else? I’m still exploring, but I’m dubious. Thinking of karma as actions and the direct results of those actions makes more sense to me – guilt being the karma of stealing, for example. Maybe I’ll come across another experience that’ll make me think again, we’ll see. It is interesting, though.

In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama talks about how we can deal with anger. I feel as if I’m always in here talking about books I have read and not real experience, but this particular section of this book is something I feel I can really apply to my life, and I have in fact, without really realising it. It seems that the more I read, the more I absorb, consciously or subconsciously, and I find myself applying ideas to my behaviour.

Anyway, this particular chapter stuck with me and made a lot of sense. It teaches us to think about why we are angry and if our anger is justified. It asks us to question whether or not we should really be angry at a person – did they intentionally try to make us angry? For example, I was at work yesterday, just about to close my till and go home, and was serving my last customer. My shift finishes at half six and as the clock on my till said six thirty and I was yet to close up my till, I was beginning to get impatient with my customer, who was slowly searching through her purse for her store card. As I felt myself get frustrated with her, I stopped and realised that of course she wasn’t keeping me waiting on purpose. She probably didn’t realise that it was time for me to go home and so, why should I get angry at her? I could have allowed myself to get annoyed about not getting out of work exactly on time and had a bit of a rant about it when I got home, but it wasn’t like I had anywhere else to be. So I let it go, and until I came to think of an example to demonstrate in this blog, I had completely forgotten about it.

Another example comes from last week, and that time, my feelings were a little more difficult to control. I had done a piece of work for my university course and it hadn’t turned out as well as I had hoped. One of my friends, however, did quite well and was very pleased with his grade. One day, out of the blue, he made a flippant comment about the standard of his work and the standard of mine, which made me pretty angry. I was angry because I felt that he had said something quite harsh. However he did apologise, though I am not sure he really knew what he was apologising for. I don’t actually think he really meant to say something mean, and probably didn’t think before he spoke. I tried to forget about it and I’m not bothered by it now, but things like that are more difficult to brush off. I had to remember to think about his motives, and while he certainly didn’t seem motivated to saying something kind or helpful, I don’t think he was motivated to intentionally be mean either – he was just making an observation and wasn’t very tactful about it.

Of course, sometimes people do things which are intentionally mean, and perhaps we should be angry about them. But what does this anger achieve? How does being angry at the person solve the situation? It just makes us feel bad and is an obstacle in the way of our happiness. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be doormats, and should certainly point out when someone is being unfair or hurtful because they might not realise it. But it is always best to let feelings of anger go and to not get attached to them because ultimately, these feelings do not help anyone.

What irks me ever so slightly, is when people use the words atheist and religious as antonyms. Now, I like to think of Buddhism as a religion. But it is an atheist religion. Because all atheist means is that people don’t believe in any gods. I know it shouldn’t matter whether people think Buddhism is a religion, a way of life or a philosophy, and that I shouldn’t have to put a label on it. But thinking of it as a religion makes me feel safe. Maybe it is a religion. I can think of one reason why: rebirth. Surely the idea of reincarnation makes it a religion. Well. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. It just gets a bit annoying when you’re trying to talk about religion and people butt in to tell you that Buddhism isn’t a religion. It’s quite pedantic, I suppose. It is what it is.

I finished reading The Dharma of Star Wars, so now I need something else to read. I’ve read Buddhism For Beginners by Thubten Chodron, and also have Buddhism For Dummies, which I’ve read parts of. However, neither of those have been as helpful as The Dharma of Star Wars. I also have The Art of Happiness, which I read most of, but haven’t picked it up for ages so I’ll probably just start it over.

The question which was playing on my mind last night was to do with reincarnation, or rebirth. Since Buddhists don’t believe in a soul, exactly what is it that is reborn? It kind of ties in with the theory of no self. I can sort of understand the concept of emptiness, that we cannot exist without all of the things that make us, us – our parents, the environment, our habitats, the people around us, and that everything is impermanent – who we are today is not who we were yesterday or last year – the argument that if our bodies are ever so slightly different to yesterday because skin has fallen off, we have cut our nails or our hair fell out a bit when we brushed it this morning, then what exactly is it that is the same as yesterday, what part of us has carried on, and will still be here tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day? Even our emotions have changed since last night, maybe we feel a little differently about our relationship with someone today, and some things are more important today than they were before. The answer, then, to the question of what was here yesterday and is here today and will continue tomorrow and the next day, is nothing. I can understand that. However, I cannot let go of the fact that I am myself, in this body, with this mind, and although things about me have changed, I am the same person. If I bought a car brand new and then five years later it was involved in a crash and was written off, it would be very badly damaged and unusable, it will have changed dramatically, but it would still be the same car. Wouldn’t it?

This is why I cannot get my head around reincarnation – if we are reborn, what is it that is reborn, and how does it happen? I suppose every moment we are reborn. Maybe we are reborn into a new body and a new life, a new person or a new creature in the same way that we are reborn into every second – an hour ago, my hair was wet and curly from being in the shower, and now it is dry and straight. A few moments ago I took a sip of my drink, so there is something in my body which wasn’t there the moment before I had a drink. But I am still the same person who wrote the first entry in this blog over a week ago. But I’m different. So rebirth – does it work in the same way? Does it happen straight away or is there something in between? Are we just the same, but different? How much do we change? And does rebirth mean the same thing as reincarnation? All these questions to be answered – I’ll get back to you as soon as I learn more.

My friend wants to borrow my book, which I haven’t read for a few days, but will give to him as soon as I have. It doesn’t really matter if he doesn’t agree with what’s written there, I’d just love to have someone to discuss it with. I’m looking forward to hearing what he thinks.

It’s still difficult to remember to be mindful during the day, while I’m out and about, socialising and working. It’s hard to stop and think, and apply what I’ve been learning to what’s going on. If someone is being annoying, it’s easier to snap at them than to pause and think, and react appropriately. It’s something I forget to do. Perhaps it will come more easily with practice.

I’ve been thinking about suffering and emotions, and I’ve started to realise that yes, our emotions cause us to suffer, but the answer isn’t to tell ourselves to stop feeling a certain way. I think it’s too much to ask – I’ve spent twenty years feeling angry and happy and excited and upset, and everybody is the same. What we should be doing is acknowledging these emotions; not putting labels on them like “this is a bad emotion” or “I am a bad person for feeling like this”, but to realise how we feel and that it’s okay to feel that way, then to realise that these emotions are impermanent, and to not attach ourselves to them. In the past, I have felt angry, and somehow enjoyed being angry a little, and knew that I should be angry about whatever it was, and so I held on to this anger – I was attaching myself to it, and that was causing my suffering.

And, a final  thought. This blog really helps me to think about Buddhism, and to understand it a little more, relating it to my life. Perhaps blogging is a little like meditation. My other blog, which I use as a diary really, might also be a bit like meditation – I get my thoughts out,  I observe them, I have written them down and then I can let them go.

When I started reading the book I have been referring to in my previous posts, I had barely anything to do each day. Now, a week later, I have started back at university, my third year, and I am slightly apprehensive about fitting Buddhism in to my every day life. That last week of summer, I was reading that book and every single day i was thinking about Buddhism and trying to apply its teachings to my every day life. I was trying to be mindful, remembering that everything is impermanent, and this all came naturally to me. Now, suddenly thrown back into university and all the work that comes with the final year of a degree, I find myself losing sight of the fact that everything is impermanent, and worrying over the things that are going to be unpleasent for me in the upcoming academic year, such as group work and presentations. I found it difficult to talk myself around to the way of thinking that I had previously been practicing, and when I thought of it at the end of the day, after being at university from 9am to 5.30pm, I felt that I didn’t have the energy to apply that kind of thought to my day, that I would rather push my worries away and forget about them than deal with them and realise their impermanence. I don’t want every uni day to be like that. I want to be able to apply these beliefs to everything I do, and I think it might be a bit more difficult than I had anticipated.

I need someone to talk to about Buddhism. There is a forum I sometimes go to, and the people there are helpful, but I tend to ask questions there and then have them answered – what I want is someone to have a proper conversation with. Maybe other young Buddhists who are just getting started. Or maybe I should find some kind of centre nearby, if there is one, to go to. But I mean, just someone to regularly talk to about stuff would be nice, on MSN or something, whether they’re someone new to things like me or someone who can teach me stuff and help me understand some things. Anyone out there?